Let's Examine Popular Club Music, Shall We?

Recently, I've been listening to a bunch of club-type songs of late. I don't know why exactly, I guess I just enjoy the "thumpa-thumpa". I noticed a few common themes within these songs. Most of them quite predictable, but unsettling nonetheless. I would like to explore some of these songs and give my take on each of them.

One common observation: Apparently, club song writers are not fans of monogamy, or really any form of long term relationship.

Song: "I Like It" by Enrique Iglesias Feat. Pitbull

Lyric Sample:
Girl please excuse me if I'm coming too strong,
But tonight is a night we can really let go.
My girlfriend's out of town and I'm all alone.
Your boyfriend's on vacation and he doesn't have to know.
No oh oh. Oh oh.
No one can do the things I'm gonna wanna do to you.
No oh oh. Oh oh.
Shout it out. Scream it out. Let me hear you go...

Ahh, nothing says club song like condoning infidelity. Frankly, I don't even think they allow songs to be played in clubs unless they mention anonymous heterosexual sex with random strangers after groping them on the dance floor.

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
Don't stop baby. Don't stop baby.
Just keep on shaking along.
I won't stop baby. Won't stop baby.
Until you get enough.

If anything can make Enrique sound like a warbled Michael Jackson, it's the auto-tuner.

Favourite Lyrics:
It's a different species. Get me in DC.
Let's party on the White House lawn.
Tiger Woods tired of Jesse James.
Here goes Pitbull all night long.
Pick up Barack and Michelle, let 'em know that it's on.

What do Tiger Woods and Jesse James have to do with a party on the White House lawn? I spy name-dropping.

Video:


A seemingly all-girls dance club: check. Gratuitous lingerie pillow fight: check. Enrique sticking his finger down some chick's cleavage: check. Looks like a club song video to me!

Song: "If I Had You" by Adam Lambert

Lyric Sample:
Girls in stripper heels, boys rollin' in Maseratis,
what they need in this world is some love.
There's a thin line 'tween a wild time and a flat line, baby tonight.
It's a struggle. Gotta rumble tryin' to find it.

So it's not about promiscuity, but he's basically saying (while alluding to sexual orientation ambiguity) that he wants to party as hard as be possibly can without ending up in the city morgue (or the next Lindsay Lohan). Good luck with that Adam. I prefer being home by 8pm and doing crossword puzzles in my pajamas.

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
Yeah, if I had you,
Y-y-y-y-y-you,
Y-y-y-y-y-you,
Y-y-y-y-y-you.

Profound, yes? I actually don't mind this part as it pretty much makes the song.

Favourite Lyrics:
So I got my boots on, got the right 'mount of leather,
and I'm doing me up with a black color liner,
and I'm workin' my strut but I know it don't matter.
All we need in this world is some love.

I love this part because he takes his sassy time describing his leather and his man-liner and his killer walk but he attempts to negate this shallowness with the last line. That's pretty much the whole song.

Video:



Beware epileptics and drama-queen-phobes. I actually quite like this music video, but the blatant Sony product placement at the beginning kinda ruins it.

Song: "DJ Got Us Fallin In Love Again" Usher Feat. Pitbull

Lyric Sample:
Hands up, and suddenly we all got our hands up.
No control of my body.
Ain't I seen you before?
I think I remember those eyes.

Not only does he have no control over his female groping ways, he doesn't remember whether or not he has previously groped this particular female. Trust me, he doesn't recognize her by her eyes, I don't care what this song says.

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
Gonna set the roof on fire,
gonna burn this motherf***er down down down,
down d-down down.

That's fairly violent. He's also not very creative. Wow, covering an explicit curseword by warping the auto-tune! What next? Saying his own name out loud at the beginning of every song? Oh wait... he already does that.

Favourite Lyrics:
In the cover of the music, get naked baby,
I'm sorry chica, better holla at Tyronne.
Let him know how I jump through your froot loop,
scolla chica two-can.

Who is this "Pitbull" rapper person, and why is he getting in all these songs? I don't even think he's speaking a real language. I hope Kellogg's paid handsomely for this name-drop. It's not often that breakfast cereals get club song mentions.

Video:



The video version has different lyrics for Pitbull. No clue why. He does look like quite the douche though. I do wish that people could dance in slo-mo reverse in real life. How cool would that be?

Song: "Rude Boy" by Rihanna

Lyric Sample:
Come here rude boy, boy, can you get it up?
Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?
Take it, take it, baby, baby.
Take it, take it, love me, love me.

That's right folks; and you thought gross sexual insensitivity in songs was only ever directed towards women. Rihanna has broken the mold by describing what she wants in a man (obviously just for one thing) followed swiftly by her demand that he love her. Well played, sweetheart...

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
What I wa-wa-want is what you wa-wa-want.
Na-na.

If that part ISN'T actually auto-tuned, then her voice just hit it's nasally peak.

Favourite Lyrics:
Tonight, I'mma let you be a rider.
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up babe.

Wow, comparing sex to riding a horse. Club song writers must just pull these ideas from a list of about 20 genre standards to get THIS level of creativity.

Video:



I had to try very, very hard to watch this video all the way through. For two reasons: involuntary eye-popping (from my brain exploding due to the excessive and highly saturated use of colour) and voluntary eye-popping (wanting to claw out my eyes from having to sit through nearly four minutes of Rihanna shaking her "junk").

OK, that's it for now. Just remember for the future: there is no such thing as a new or original club song. I refer to the genre as recycled music intent on degrading human beings to the most shallow of species.

Pop.