Today, I realized that I am a criminal.
What makes this discovery worse is that I hadn't really thought about it before, even while I was commiting these acts. I would excuse my actions as completely justifiable and moral within my own strange principles. It was only today, as I was commiting an act of bus ticket fraud, that I realized how many things I do are actually prohibited by law. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a moron. I do know that certain things are against the law and I was aware that the things I was doing at the time were borderline wrong-doings, but it was only today that it hit me that these things could actually get me an annoying fine, or even some jail time.
However, I only do these things because I hadn't registered that they were necessarily "illegal" at the time and, thus, kept doing them. One of my evil supervisors at work got mad at me one day because I was doing something wrong (something very trivial) but she had the nerve to say "What's worse is that you had no idea you were doing something wrong at all." I then had to add "How is that worse than me knowing that I was doing it wrong all along but just kept doing it wrong because I felt like being a total ass-hat?" I think the fact that I say things like that to her is the main reason that she doesn't like me all that much.
But that's beside the fact.
Here are my crimes:
Bus Ticket Fraud:
Since I mentioned this earlier, it's a good place to start. Often, I will use one bus ticket to pay for my trip to a certain place. This will then be exchanged for a transfer. Then I just use the same transfer for the return journey as well. If I use the train before a bus, I just keep the stamped ticket for the next morning and put it into the little ticket box anyway. If you do it swiftly and casually enough, the bus drivers can't read the actual date stamp on it. This means I get twice the distance out of one packet of bus tickets. The bus drivers never notice, or if they do notice, they don't care. I think this is fair. Breaking some sort of transit bylaw, sure. But if the drivers don't care, then why should I. Totally fair.
I think what made today different with regards to my fraudulent actions, was that the bus driver actually gave me a weird look. I think this triggered a slight fear in me that he might have realized that I was trying to fool him and he would catch me. He didn't. He just gave me the weird look and let me continue walking. Maybe it had nothing to do with the ticket at all, maybe he just thinks I'm strange. I'm not sure which situation upsets me more...
Grocery Store Self-Check-Out Fraud:
I'm sure I can't be the only person who thinks that this system is flawed. I enjoy (or used to enjoy, at least) bulk candy from Safeway. More specifically, chocolate-covered jujubes. Now, these happen to be substantially more expensive than the chocolate-covered almonds or the chocolate-covered cashews, for example. It also just so happens that these particular bulk candies look identical. So, I just write the number from the chocolate-covered almonds on the tag for my bag of chocolate-covered jujubes and then go through self-check-out and pay a few dollars less. Self-check-out is really only necessary when you are doing this with bulk items that don't really look the same. Like when I get Jelly Bellies (which are about $2.50 per 100g) but I write the number for salted peanuts on it (which are about $0.69 per 100g), it's best not to give them to a cashier who can then look at a computer and see SALTED PEANUTS come up on the monitor and then have you escorted out of Safeway by the pimply "security guard/LOTTO MAX teller". I justify this type of fraud by saying to myself, "Safeway doesn't need the $3.00 I happen to be stealing for something they've marked up by 912%. I, however, could use this $3.00 on my bus ticket home. Oh, who am I kidding..."
Minor Assault:
This might seem a bit more serious than a bit of fraud, but it's really not. By "minor" I really do mean "minor". Like I've hit and slapped my sister a few times, but that's just normal sibling stuff. Since she has broken my glasses by punching me in the face and knocked one of my baby teeth out in the same manner, I reckon we can call it even. However, there is one incident that was outside the family. I was at a house party with a friend and a bunch of guys that I'd never met before. As the night progressed, some of the guys got quite drunk. One in particular started pulling at my shirt. I told him to stop a few times but he didn't listen, so I slapped him across the face. He just held his face and started laughing drunkenly so it wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped it would be. He was also calling me "princess" the whole night, so I'm pretty sure most of you agree with me that it was totally justified.
Downloading Free Music:
Oh, like you don't do it too. I also stream movies online for free as well. I don't download movies, though. That's where I draw the line. Good job, Jackie; now's the time to get moral. If I like a band enough, I will certainly buy their CD. I do like supporting my favourite artists. But I'll be damned if I'm going to shell out $1.29 for "You're A Superstar" by Love Inc. but that little ditty is most definitely on my iPod. Don't judge me.
J-Walking:
I do this all the time. Sometimes I just dart into traffic because I'm too impatient to wait for a car to actually stop for me. A friend of mine always says that this is how I will die; getting hit by an unsuspecting motor vehicle driver after not seeing me sprint out in front of them. Crosswalks are for cowards.
That's probably not a complete list, but it's all I'm willing to admit to at this time. Also, a few of you may have heard of my penchant for pick-pocketing. I have never done this in a criminal sense though. I usually just take people's phones when they're not paying attention, or their pens. It's really not that exciting. I always give them back.
If you are an officer of the law and you are reading this, I copied this off of a website. If you saw through that blatant lie just now (or you believed the lie but are now adding copyright violation to my list of offences), my lawyer's name is Don Schindle, 403-869-3102.
