Tele-Communications

So, I like to mess with people. Particularly strangers because I can embarrass myself to enormous lengths and not have to worry about ever seeing them again. I have tried in the past to mess with people via the internet and share it with you, but that didn't turn out as I had hoped. Those losers didn't reply to me.

*Sets aside bitterness*

I've decided to pursue a more direct form of confrontation. Not confrontation, per say, but abnormally hooliganistic communication. I've decided to give the following responses to telemarketers and others when they call for either of my parents. Those people are just doing their jobs, so I'm not going to get all angry at them or whatever, but I'd like to brighten their day (or at least oddly amuse them) while they go about their universally irritating occupation. I have written each of these responses myself, and will be in response to the presumed introductory question: "Hello, is [insert my parents' full names here] there?"

1. I'm sorry, he's on a hot air balloon trip collecting samples of altostratus clouds.

2. I'm afraid she's not here. She's away at a finely crafted tupperware and plastic utensil convention.

3. He's actually not here. He's trying to win a bet with himself to prove that he can go for a week without using a telephone. He'd like me to mention that he will take communication in the form of Morse code or, if you so desire, binary.

4. He's not available at the moment. He's spending the next five days deciding whether or not he wants to continue using your company for [insert the service they provide]. It's not looking good, I'm afraid. My condolences.

5. Sorry, but she's taking lobster trapping lessons in Maine.

OK, that's good enough. I intend on using each and every one of these before my next blog post so I can give you an accurate play-by-play as to their reaction. I'm not expecting it to be all that eventful, but who knows. The pronouns are interchangeable in the examples by-the-way. I'm not sure who they'll call for. If they call for me, that will make those replies so much funnier. Not explicably funnier, but more inside-jokey.

Alrighty people, I look forward to updating you.

Tschüss.