This morning I decided to make a list. This list would be of things that we all hate with every fragment of our substance but would complain tirelessly if they were to suddenly disappear. And while I did come up with some other options (corporations, government, traffic cops) I found something that went straight to the top of the list: public transit.
We've all been there. Public transit is never perfect, and never will be. The bus or train is always late, or dirty, or cold, or hot, or filled with pungent, obese vagabonds with crazy beards, three fingers, one shoe, grocery bags full of avocadoes, and penchants for small talk that involve the doors closing too fast on their imaginary friends.
In order to deal with these issues properly (and by "properly" I mean swiftly and tolerably), I have prepared a guide. This guide will deal with the primary complaints that (I feel) are most commonly associated with public transit travel: Time, Atmosphere, and People.
Time
In a regular school week, I spend about 500 minutes riding (or waiting for) city transit. That's approximately 8.5 hours (I'm rounding up for obvious reasons) every week. In more of my shoddy calculating skills (even with a calculator I can bastardize the act of calculation, I'm that good), that means I spend about 270 hours of my life every year on city transit and that's just me going to and from school! If I added in the summer months, working, going out with friends etc. it's more like 750 hours. If you take that number and throw it against the 8760 hours in a year, that means I spend approximately (and again I'm rounding up for obvious reasons) 9% of my year riding or waiting for public transit.
Even with that appallingly depressing number, I don't think it's the total number of hours that people complain about, but the number of minutes that they wouldn't have to spend waiting if the bus was always on time. Think of all of the other things I could be doing in the meantime! Watching ten extra minutes of The Best of Just for Laughs, resewing a button on my coat, petting my cat a couple dozen times, spending several more minutes debating whether or not I should make a lunch, playing peek-a-boo with my idiot dog through the window to the backyard, repeating my mantra about not making anyone cry that day, or even learning a phrase or two in another language. The world would just be a better place if I didn't have to wait for the bus.
Unfortunately for you, I don't have a solution for this one. Time is always going to be an issue with public transit. Unless you decide to become a bus driver, I just don't see a solution. Oh wait, here's one.
Get a car.
Oh and bring something along to help pass the time: an iPod (or other such portable music-playing device), a book, a crossword, a Rubik's Cube. Whatever gets you through the hard bits.
Atmosphere
Whether it's cold, hot, or just dirty, public transit has a reputation for being uncomfortable. My theory is that they want people on and off the train/bus as fast as possible, so if you hate being there... It works out perfectly. However, that doesn't help when you need to be stuck in a bus shelter or a cramped train car for a long period of time, whether you're waiting to get on or off. The best time of the day to travel by train is between 3:30am and 5:30am. It's right after they clean the trains, but right before the early morning rush. If you really hate the C-Train enough that you are willing to use it at these insane hours of the morning, I think it's time that you invest in a vehicle. Also, get some counselling, you obviously have bigger issues...
My advice is to find a seat that doesn't have stains, smudges, spills, crumbs, dirt, mold, gum, rotting food, strange smells, single items of clothing, balled-up newspapers, or abandoned infants already in the seat. That's just asking for trouble, for what you think might be just some crumbs, could be anthrax, and what appears to be an abandoned infant could actually be just a really creepy doll. No one wants to sit near that. My advice?
Look before you sit.
Trains and busses are also severely demented when it comes to their heating and cooling systems. In the summer, when it's insanely hot outside, they decide not to use air conditioning at all even though I know they have it. It's like they think "It's Calgary, I'm not going to turn on the AC, it's just going to get cold outside again in 35 minutes." So you walk from the hellfire that is Calgary in the summer, into a slightly more shady hellfire. In winter, they decide to use the equipment. They overcompensate the heat inside the bus because the temperature outside of it is about -30. In my mind, I associate getting on a bus in the dead of winter as being similar to what it must feel like to be thawed after being cryogenically frozen, only in about two-and-a-half seconds. My advice?
Wear layers.
People
If you haven't run into at least one weird guy on the train who will sit staring at you for a good eight stops, then blurt out how much you remind him of his dead mother/wife/child, then try to ask if you are by any chance related to pretty much anybody he's ever met (Are you Marnie's cousin? Or Sally Burns? No? How about Nathan Patricks? No? Really? Spitting image, I tell ya...), then you're just not doing it right.
Alright, let me cut to the chase. Here are your basic "targets of avoidance".
Avoid anyone who sniffles, coughs, wipes their nose on any article of clothing, or is covered in pustulating boils; unless you wish to catch the plague. Avoid anyone who appears to be holding their breath, they can be unpredictable (most likely, they're either crazy or about to explode in a fit of rage). Avoid children, yeah. Avoid anyone wearing glitter, you don't want that stuff on you, you'll never get it off. Avoid people holding open food or drinks, one quick stop and it's everywhere. Avoid overly happy people, they will want to talk to you, you don't want that. Avoid pretty much anyone that looks like they might be about to rape something, because you can never be safe enough.
How do you avoid them? That's easy enough, just don't sit or stand in their general vicinity. However, if there is only one seat left on the bus/train and it is next to one of these "undesirables", and you choose to stand... It's pretty obvious you're avoiding them. I say screw it, your comfort is more important than their freaky-ass feelings. You'll only have to deal with their insulted glances for 15 minutes, tops. My advice?
Put headphones in your ears, wear sunglasses and a thick coat, do not smile at all. This should keep people at bay. You may also wish to take it one step further and pull a hood up over your head and put your hands in your pockets. Nobody will bother you if you look like a criminal. The best way to beat them, is to become one of them...
BOOK RECOMMENDATION
Cell by Stephen King
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment