Everyone strives to be more intelligent. If you don't, stop reading right now, this guide will only make your goal of complete ignorance more difficult to achieve. Stick to your guns, no one likes a quitter. For those of you who do wish to gain a touch more knowledge, keep reading. I would like to touch base with some old latin phrases and see how they're doing, what they've been up to for the last 26 centuries, find out why they've got the legal community wrapped around their gnarly little Roman fingers. Mostly it's so that laymen, like us, can find out what those phrases we've been throwing out during junior high debate tournaments over the years actually mean.
Bona fide: "in good faith"
According to my research (insert flashback of watching The Magic Schoolbus), this phrase is used in contemporary English as a way of asking for someone's credentials, as in "show me your bona fides." Honestly, that sounds like an invitation for exhibitionism, and not the good kind. I think you'll find its more common usage is as a qualification of truth. As in, "Oprah Winfrey is a bona fide rich person", or "Stephen Hawking is a bona fide cripple."
De facto: "by the fact"
This has been deemed synonymous with such other phrases as "for all intents and purposes" or "in fact", but it really means that it is something that is true in practice but not officially established in law. Until the "bro code" was published, it was de facto that you never leave a high five or a fist bump hanging when it is offered to you. Common sense, really. Personally, I think it sounds like a cool Italian last name but, instead, it would be spelled D'Facto. I'm picturing someone in the mafia who eats ravioli out of bullet ridden human skulls.
Pro bono: "for the good"
Boy, has this one been distorted over the years. No longer does it mean "for the good". Now it means "for free". I guess, if you're a nitpicker and you don't enjoy the benefit and general happiness that can result from having friends, you might argue that they can be interpreted as the same thing. I think that is a very materialistic approach to the philosophy, and I will proceed to assume that you are a lawyer. My condolences.
Ad nauseum: "to (the point of) nausea"
While most commonly used as an almost metaphorical hyperbole to describe menial events that have been continuing to the point of nausea, I would prefer to use it in it's more literal sense. Bring it back to it's roots. Such as, "I ate jager bomb jello shots ad nauseum" or "I rode the carousel with my screaming nephew while inhaling a combination of second-hand cigarette smoke and pink cotton candy ad nauseum."
Quid pro quo: "this for that"
Otherwise known among circles of cigar-smoking poker-playing clone husbands of the 1960's as "tit for tat". Translated into a dialect of English most commonly found sung by Elvis Presley's co-stars it becomes "If you'll scratch my back/Then I'll scratch your back/Like two peas in a pack/Let's get rid of our itch together." Politicians have also been found to use this phrase as a strange occupational slang for "bribery".
Deus ex machina: "god out of the machine"
A plot device where a seemingly impossible problem or situation is miraculously solved by some contrived intervention of a new person, force, or object.
*Insert crass and insensitive Bible reference here*
Non sequitur: "it does not follow"
To me, rather than represent a literary device that makes a passage or event humorous due to it's apparent lack of relevance to what came before it, I think it should be yelled during boot camp at every military training base on the continent. Imagine the moral of a group of young soldiers being told they are marching incorrectly by having a lovely latin word shouted at them instead of a sentence that might rhyme with "Gut the shmuck up and get your feet moving, you smother plucking buns of fishes!"
BOOK RECOMMENDATION
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Naming Your Pub: A Guide for Alcoholic Entrepreneurs
Pubs are a great place to mingle. Socializing clearly being the primary function of a pub. If you are interested in owning a socializing establishment like a pub, the most important thing you need to get started is a good name for it. This is of course targeted towards Irish pubs. I mean, they are really the best kind. English pubs have their charms and they make nice meat pies, but they just lack the raw, brogue atmosphere of being in an Irish pub. A feeling that can really only be described by gutteral noises made in the back of your throat after you've experienced a night you most likely don't remember.
So please take note. You can learn a little something about the art that is pub-naming and perhaps your future ventures into the business of owning "socializing" venues just might pay off in the long run. I mean, how can it not? It involves eight different types of Guinness!
The Last Name: Probably the most common of all Irish pub names is the traditional last name. Of course, if you choose to go this route, make sure you Irish it up. Now turning the word "Irish" into a verb is normally something I avoid, however, in this case, I make an exception due to the importance of having an authentically Irish name. Traditionally, just adding an "O" to the beginning of a name would suffice but these are tough economical times. You can't afford to take the risk that your name will not be quite Irish enough to please the typical drunken red-headed bloke with the mutton-chops. He could bring in a lot of business. I suggest taking an already grotesquely Irish name and then adding an "O". Then, for good measure you need a really good adjective to describe this fictional Irish namesake. Your pub needs a name that will make people walk with a significant limp in their right leg just by reading it. It needs to be an adjective of anger, insanity, or just downright grumpiness. Stay away from "Old" or "Mad". Old Murphy's or Mad O'Brien's or (heaven forbid) Mad Old O'Sullivan's are examples of pub names that make people picture green beer and waitresses dressed like this:
So please take note. You can learn a little something about the art that is pub-naming and perhaps your future ventures into the business of owning "socializing" venues just might pay off in the long run. I mean, how can it not? It involves eight different types of Guinness!
The Last Name: Probably the most common of all Irish pub names is the traditional last name. Of course, if you choose to go this route, make sure you Irish it up. Now turning the word "Irish" into a verb is normally something I avoid, however, in this case, I make an exception due to the importance of having an authentically Irish name. Traditionally, just adding an "O" to the beginning of a name would suffice but these are tough economical times. You can't afford to take the risk that your name will not be quite Irish enough to please the typical drunken red-headed bloke with the mutton-chops. He could bring in a lot of business. I suggest taking an already grotesquely Irish name and then adding an "O". Then, for good measure you need a really good adjective to describe this fictional Irish namesake. Your pub needs a name that will make people walk with a significant limp in their right leg just by reading it. It needs to be an adjective of anger, insanity, or just downright grumpiness. Stay away from "Old" or "Mad". Old Murphy's or Mad O'Brien's or (heaven forbid) Mad Old O'Sullivan's are examples of pub names that make people picture green beer and waitresses dressed like this:
Cliche is not what we're going for here. Understood? Also, something like Bashful Maguire's is not acceptable. You don't want people to think you will gladly host family St. Patrick's Day parties with shamrock cupcakes and leprechaun balloons. My official recommendation would be something along the lines of Shifty O'Shea's, Loathsome O'Leary's, or Cantankerous O'Callaghan's. Alliteration is not necessarily required, it's just charming.
The Described Noun: This method is also quite common and one where people tend to get the most creative. You basically just take any noun - and by any noun I mean absolutely ANY noun - and add either an adjective or a verb in front of it. Choosing a verb tends to make things a bit more fun. Some examples are The Idle Cook (in Yorkshire), The Bleeding Wolf (in Cheshire), or The Quiet Woman (in York). These are all quite creative, but the point is to find something strangely unique that you respond to personally that will intrigue people enough to step into your home away from home. There are very few boundaries for this method as there are so many different combinations. Many pubs have favoured using animals as their noun. Lord knows why. I think The Murdered Squirrel or The Diseased Prawn just don't sound like places I want to eat chicken fingers in. If you must pick an animal, I suggest going the jolly route (traditionally avoided by the edgier pub-namers) and choosing something like The Giggling Hampster or The Slap-Happy Tortoise. As far as adjectives/verbs go, the only one I strongly suggest you avoid is "drunken". Far too obvious. People don't need to be told that a pub is a place where living things can get intoxicated. I think they would rather go somewhere with a name that can be misconstrued as an edgy used-book store. Then they can tell their wives where they are and not have to lie. For example, The Happy Medium (in West Sussex) or The Blooming Fuchsia (in Suffolk) sounds more kosher than telling your wife you're in The Drunken Duck (in Cumbria), even though it may slice your manhood in half. Ahh, The Hairy Lemon.
I recommend just finding a favourite old-timey item and giving it a completely obscure verb. I like The Drooling Doorknob, The Fleeing Monocle, or The Wandering Typewriter. I say "old-timey" item because the last thing we need is a pub called The Itching X-Box.
The Blank and Blank: This is my personal favourite. All of the examples I've ever seen of this method seem like the pub owner flipped through a dictionary and chose the first two nouns they came across and said "Yup, looks good to me". So much so that you have pubs called The Cow and Snuffers (in Cardiff) and The Goat and Tricycle (in Bournemouth). I have noticed in my research (and yes, I did some) that it is often a pairing of an animal and then a random noun. Even so, there are so many possibilities, the mind begins to wander. One boundary I can think of is to keep it PG-13. Children still walk the streets. So I guess The Crab and Syphilus is out. I would also stay away from using "dog" or "cow", overused to the extreme. One more thing to avoid: pairing things that may end up sounding like a dish that might be served inside the pub itself. So that rules out names like The Chicken and Toast or The Tuna and Wasabi. In following those rules, I recommend names like The Swordfish and Bookshelf, The Chickadee and Treebark, or The Otter and Dollhouse.
That brings us to the end of this little "guide to". Now go forth, name your pub and remember to send me a free-"socializations"-for-life membership card. To be honest, it's the least you owe me.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION:
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Agitated, Belligerent Senile
So it's reading break. I've spent the last hour or so Googling random words, and I found this site of Weird Ads from the 50's, 60's, and 70's. I found them remarkably entertaining, so I'm blogging about them.
"Can't afford laxatives for your quintuplet sons and they're angry about it? Pick up some Fry's Chocolate today!"
"You won't be able to quit, but don't worry; we've made healthier cigarettes so you can smoke a hell of a lot more of them, with half the guilt."
"Gillette is our name. Decapitating prematurely dextrous babies with pituitary problems is our game."
BOOK RECOMMENDATION:
Lives of the Circus Animals by Christopher Bram
"Tranquilize grandpa before he turns his cane into your next boyfriend."
"Camel Tobacco: Making speed-skating wheezier since 1913."
"Can't afford laxatives for your quintuplet sons and they're angry about it? Pick up some Fry's Chocolate today!"
"You won't be able to quit, but don't worry; we've made healthier cigarettes so you can smoke a hell of a lot more of them, with half the guilt."
"Gillette is our name. Decapitating prematurely dextrous babies with pituitary problems is our game."BOOK RECOMMENDATION:
Lives of the Circus Animals by Christopher Bram
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Some Emeralds of Advice... Or Is It Pearls of Wisdom?
Some people think that the best way to remove bobby-pins from ones hair is to take them out with your fingers. I respectfully disagree. I, personally, enjoy brushing my hair and letting them all just fall out. Oh, how satisfying the sound of the clink of the pins against the bathroom counter is. The only downside that I can think of, is it is also an effective way of losing said bobby-pins, which is why I end up buying more on a regular basis. Totally worth it.
New Year's is the most pointless holiday in existence. It is the celebration of a trivial day on a numeric scale of time, with no other meaning than to signify that this cycle has again played itself out in full. Do we celebrate every June 15th that it has been one year since the last June 15th? No. That would be silly. It seems people enjoy celebrating it as it is an excuse to get completely sloshed and stay out until 4:00am. Like anybody really needs an excuse to do that. It's really just an occassion where people think about how a) they didn't really do anything during the past year and b) they are unlikely to do anything during the year to come.
In my opinion, you aren't a true fan of a band until you know all the names of the band members. If you don't know, that means you haven't cared enough to do a simple Wikipedia search, and really... How easy is Wikipedia? If you can turn on a faucet you can search Wikipedia. For example: Marcus, Ben, Winston, and Ted are Mumford & Sons; Chris, Jonny, Will, and Guy are Coldplay; Dave, Carter, Stefan, Boyd, and LeRoi are Dave Matthews Band, etc. Same goes for television shows, you need to be able to name all of the prominent cast members. For example: Hugh Laurie, Robert Sean Leonard, Lisa Edelstein, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, Peter Jacobson, and Olivia Wilde are House M.D. and Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Tim McInnerny, Stephen Fry, and Hugh Laurie are Blackadder.
When playing The Sims (The Sims 3 to be more specific) I recommend playing with one of two methods in mind. If you are striving to have a big family, make one parent have a job that involves leaving the house and one that has a self-employed, work-from-home job. This ensures that at least one parent leaves the house to leave room for cleaning, cooking etc. and that one parent is at home to take care of any pre-school-age children but still making money. This is actually a reasonable idea for life as well, but works even better for The Sims, because Sims don't have emotional problems pertaining to anything outside themselves, which makes everything astronomically easier.
If you are an avid reader like myself, here is a tip for finding book recommendations: go to the book recommendations section of The New York Public Library, and/or take a look at the long-list and short-list for the Man Booker Prize. Both will give a accurate representation of the best books of the year (and previous years) but not based solely on sales (which is why I steer clear of the New York Times Bestseller list). What I do is look up the lists on those two sites, then cross-reference them with their synopses and reviews on Amazon.ca. That way I can get a reasonably accurate representation of whether I might enjoy the book or not.
Comparatively, I find the internet the best way to find new music. Personally, I suggest looking up a band you already like on YouTube, going to the channel of their official record label, and looking up other bands/artists that label has also signed. Music labels tend to sign artists that are relatively similar (either in quality or style), so I find that a great way to find new music. If you enjoy British music, like I do, two channels I recommend are islandrecords and parlophone.
If you don't happen to have any Kraft Dinner, but you have a craving for some, I have a simple solution. Take your favourite pasta (not a stringy one like fettucini or linguini, but instead penne or shells) and boil it up. Then take a generous spoonful of Cheez Whiz and stir it in. It won't taste exactly like KD, but it's similar enough to count as passable. I actually think it's slightly better and it gives me the satisfaction of a "homemade" meal. The downside? It's one of the least healthy things you can ingest, but then so is regular KD.
Take a look at Johnny Flynn, he's a British folk singer/songwriter/musician:
ALERT: Here's a new feature that I hope I can remember to do every time I post. We'll see how that goes... A book recommendation section. I won't recommend something if I haven't read it. Simple book recommendation ettiquette, I think.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION
Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby
New Year's is the most pointless holiday in existence. It is the celebration of a trivial day on a numeric scale of time, with no other meaning than to signify that this cycle has again played itself out in full. Do we celebrate every June 15th that it has been one year since the last June 15th? No. That would be silly. It seems people enjoy celebrating it as it is an excuse to get completely sloshed and stay out until 4:00am. Like anybody really needs an excuse to do that. It's really just an occassion where people think about how a) they didn't really do anything during the past year and b) they are unlikely to do anything during the year to come.
In my opinion, you aren't a true fan of a band until you know all the names of the band members. If you don't know, that means you haven't cared enough to do a simple Wikipedia search, and really... How easy is Wikipedia? If you can turn on a faucet you can search Wikipedia. For example: Marcus, Ben, Winston, and Ted are Mumford & Sons; Chris, Jonny, Will, and Guy are Coldplay; Dave, Carter, Stefan, Boyd, and LeRoi are Dave Matthews Band, etc. Same goes for television shows, you need to be able to name all of the prominent cast members. For example: Hugh Laurie, Robert Sean Leonard, Lisa Edelstein, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, Peter Jacobson, and Olivia Wilde are House M.D. and Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Tim McInnerny, Stephen Fry, and Hugh Laurie are Blackadder.
When playing The Sims (The Sims 3 to be more specific) I recommend playing with one of two methods in mind. If you are striving to have a big family, make one parent have a job that involves leaving the house and one that has a self-employed, work-from-home job. This ensures that at least one parent leaves the house to leave room for cleaning, cooking etc. and that one parent is at home to take care of any pre-school-age children but still making money. This is actually a reasonable idea for life as well, but works even better for The Sims, because Sims don't have emotional problems pertaining to anything outside themselves, which makes everything astronomically easier.
If you are an avid reader like myself, here is a tip for finding book recommendations: go to the book recommendations section of The New York Public Library, and/or take a look at the long-list and short-list for the Man Booker Prize. Both will give a accurate representation of the best books of the year (and previous years) but not based solely on sales (which is why I steer clear of the New York Times Bestseller list). What I do is look up the lists on those two sites, then cross-reference them with their synopses and reviews on Amazon.ca. That way I can get a reasonably accurate representation of whether I might enjoy the book or not.
Comparatively, I find the internet the best way to find new music. Personally, I suggest looking up a band you already like on YouTube, going to the channel of their official record label, and looking up other bands/artists that label has also signed. Music labels tend to sign artists that are relatively similar (either in quality or style), so I find that a great way to find new music. If you enjoy British music, like I do, two channels I recommend are islandrecords and parlophone.
If you don't happen to have any Kraft Dinner, but you have a craving for some, I have a simple solution. Take your favourite pasta (not a stringy one like fettucini or linguini, but instead penne or shells) and boil it up. Then take a generous spoonful of Cheez Whiz and stir it in. It won't taste exactly like KD, but it's similar enough to count as passable. I actually think it's slightly better and it gives me the satisfaction of a "homemade" meal. The downside? It's one of the least healthy things you can ingest, but then so is regular KD.
Take a look at Johnny Flynn, he's a British folk singer/songwriter/musician:
ALERT: Here's a new feature that I hope I can remember to do every time I post. We'll see how that goes... A book recommendation section. I won't recommend something if I haven't read it. Simple book recommendation ettiquette, I think.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION
Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Arguing With Stupid People: A Guide For The Intellectually Gifted
Now I'm not the sharpest tack in the box, but I do have a high school diploma, some post-secondary education, and a thick wad of common sense under my belt, so I don't consider myself to be the dullest either. Whenever I encounter someone who is considerably less "sharp" than myself there are a few methods that I have found useful when forced to interact with these creatures: the creatures that shall be known henceforth as... stupid people.
Method One is to get out of the situation as fast as humanly possible. One of my most prominent traits is one that I am neither proud of nor hateful toward, it's just part of me, and that trait is bluntness; also known as being brutally honest without regard for emotional or social consequence. As I wrote that out I realize I probably should hate that trait, but I don't. When I am put into a situation that requires me to have a verbal exchange with a stupid person, this trait tends to rear it's ugly head fairly swiftly. In order to avoid the unfortunate consequences of insulting this person (however amusing it might be) I think one should attempt to find a way out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Let's be honest, the best way to survive an argument with a stupid person is to not start the argument in the first place. Avoid the inevitable. Common excuses like the need to get to class, the need to use the washroom, or the need to call your grandmother are all acceptable; however more creative excuses like the need to feed your pet iguana, the need to see a doctor about a rash of the nether-regions, or the need to have your aura cleansed by a shaman, would be unique and therefore more likely to be percieved as true by the stupid person. Although it wouldn't be hard to pull the wool over their eyes, as they are in fact, stupid.
Method Two is to politely correct any mistake(s) in a reasonable and rational manner. My explanation of Method Two might be scattered and unruly as I have never been successful in the execution of this method. I'm just not nice enough to pull it off without laughing halfway through and exclaiming, "I'm sorry, I can't do this, you're a moron." But here's how it might be done, if someone has the chops to see it through. Start with the word "actually", that will probably work. Then follow with the facts (whether it's grammar, scientific (physical, biological, psychological, or social) trivia, or just logical sense in general). I think this method could get quite frustrating if you encounter an individual with an astronomical level of stupidity, what with correcting nearly everything they say, and it might provoke violence or catty backtalk on their part. You'll also be seen as a "know-it-all" and that just won't do. If you get into an argument with a stupid person, this method might be the last resort. Stupid people can be quite stubborn in their ways, and many will refuse to be seen as wrong in fear that they will lose pride, "cred", or (in the male species' case) testosterone. Stupid and stubborn is an unfortunate combination. Rationality does not exist with these people. By trying to correct someone who really does not want to be corrected, you are just setting yourself up for unhappiness (and lots of yelling). I guess I can only recommend this method for use on occassions when their misinformation could be damaging to their perception of the world on a grand scale, and thus possibly detrimental to the society that interacts with them. If their only fault is that they think Chaka Khan is a buddhist prophet, I suggest you let it go and possibly go with this next method.
Method Three is to let them believe that they are right. Other than running away, this is the best way to leave the conversation unscathed. You will not have enlightened the stupid person or made the world any better, but you will live to see another day of avoiding idiocy. You know you are right, they think they are right, and the pendulum returns to it's monotonous swing. However, if you are one of those people who can't leave an argument without ensuring that the other person knows you are the one in the right, this method might be rather difficult for you. I should know. I used to be one of you. I healed myself cold turkey, but there are groups you can join in order to rid yourself of this frustrating habit. It only causes you pain. Once you learn how to live with the fact that there really is no changing the stupid person's mind no matter how beautifully thought out your argument was, you will become a more balanced person. Or at least less likely of developing an ulcer, if that's any consolation.
There is a Method Four, but I should say up front that I don't recommend it. I used this for years (and still do when my Method Three mantra fails me), but it never gained me any friends. It's what happens when I can't walk away fast enough. This method involves informing the stupid person that they are, in fact, stupid. It will be followed by them falling into the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but rarely does anyone actually make it past the denial stage. Instead they will just hate you. That or think you're joking and laugh it off. They are lucky they're so stupid. Life must be so much easier. Anyways, I don't recommend it. Let's face it, it's just mean.
I am going to conclude this guide with a short scene that is a completely true story that happened to me a few years ago, and should be an example of what not to do. The individuals shall remain anonymous, obviously.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
JACKIE, FRIEND, and ANONYMOUS are walking through the hallway near the end of a spare period on a typical day at high school. They take their time, stopping to look at old graduation photos from years past. They stop at the one from 1973.
FRIEND
ANONYMOUS
Jackie blinks slowly.
Friend stifles laughter.
Anonymous grins obliviously.
ANONYMOUS
JACKIE
ANONYMOUS
JACKIE
ANONYMOUS
JACKIE
Method One is to get out of the situation as fast as humanly possible. One of my most prominent traits is one that I am neither proud of nor hateful toward, it's just part of me, and that trait is bluntness; also known as being brutally honest without regard for emotional or social consequence. As I wrote that out I realize I probably should hate that trait, but I don't. When I am put into a situation that requires me to have a verbal exchange with a stupid person, this trait tends to rear it's ugly head fairly swiftly. In order to avoid the unfortunate consequences of insulting this person (however amusing it might be) I think one should attempt to find a way out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Let's be honest, the best way to survive an argument with a stupid person is to not start the argument in the first place. Avoid the inevitable. Common excuses like the need to get to class, the need to use the washroom, or the need to call your grandmother are all acceptable; however more creative excuses like the need to feed your pet iguana, the need to see a doctor about a rash of the nether-regions, or the need to have your aura cleansed by a shaman, would be unique and therefore more likely to be percieved as true by the stupid person. Although it wouldn't be hard to pull the wool over their eyes, as they are in fact, stupid.
Method Two is to politely correct any mistake(s) in a reasonable and rational manner. My explanation of Method Two might be scattered and unruly as I have never been successful in the execution of this method. I'm just not nice enough to pull it off without laughing halfway through and exclaiming, "I'm sorry, I can't do this, you're a moron." But here's how it might be done, if someone has the chops to see it through. Start with the word "actually", that will probably work. Then follow with the facts (whether it's grammar, scientific (physical, biological, psychological, or social) trivia, or just logical sense in general). I think this method could get quite frustrating if you encounter an individual with an astronomical level of stupidity, what with correcting nearly everything they say, and it might provoke violence or catty backtalk on their part. You'll also be seen as a "know-it-all" and that just won't do. If you get into an argument with a stupid person, this method might be the last resort. Stupid people can be quite stubborn in their ways, and many will refuse to be seen as wrong in fear that they will lose pride, "cred", or (in the male species' case) testosterone. Stupid and stubborn is an unfortunate combination. Rationality does not exist with these people. By trying to correct someone who really does not want to be corrected, you are just setting yourself up for unhappiness (and lots of yelling). I guess I can only recommend this method for use on occassions when their misinformation could be damaging to their perception of the world on a grand scale, and thus possibly detrimental to the society that interacts with them. If their only fault is that they think Chaka Khan is a buddhist prophet, I suggest you let it go and possibly go with this next method.
Method Three is to let them believe that they are right. Other than running away, this is the best way to leave the conversation unscathed. You will not have enlightened the stupid person or made the world any better, but you will live to see another day of avoiding idiocy. You know you are right, they think they are right, and the pendulum returns to it's monotonous swing. However, if you are one of those people who can't leave an argument without ensuring that the other person knows you are the one in the right, this method might be rather difficult for you. I should know. I used to be one of you. I healed myself cold turkey, but there are groups you can join in order to rid yourself of this frustrating habit. It only causes you pain. Once you learn how to live with the fact that there really is no changing the stupid person's mind no matter how beautifully thought out your argument was, you will become a more balanced person. Or at least less likely of developing an ulcer, if that's any consolation.
There is a Method Four, but I should say up front that I don't recommend it. I used this for years (and still do when my Method Three mantra fails me), but it never gained me any friends. It's what happens when I can't walk away fast enough. This method involves informing the stupid person that they are, in fact, stupid. It will be followed by them falling into the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but rarely does anyone actually make it past the denial stage. Instead they will just hate you. That or think you're joking and laugh it off. They are lucky they're so stupid. Life must be so much easier. Anyways, I don't recommend it. Let's face it, it's just mean.
I am going to conclude this guide with a short scene that is a completely true story that happened to me a few years ago, and should be an example of what not to do. The individuals shall remain anonymous, obviously.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
JACKIE, FRIEND, and ANONYMOUS are walking through the hallway near the end of a spare period on a typical day at high school. They take their time, stopping to look at old graduation photos from years past. They stop at the one from 1973.
ANONYMOUS
Why do they look so weird?
None of them are smiling.
FRIEND
Yeah, I guess it's kinda odd.
ANONYMOUS
Maybe it's because photography had only
just been invented and they weren't
used to having their picture taken.
Jackie blinks slowly.
Friend stifles laughter.
Anonymous grins obliviously.
JACKIE
Are you serious?
ANONYMOUS
What?
JACKIE
These are from 1973.
ANONYMOUS
Yeah?
JACKIE
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...
ANONYMOUS
What?!
JACKIE
You're an idiot.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Minor Tactics of the Chalk Stream
OK, I'm bored.
I really shouldn't be. I'm in school, I have a part-time job. I have friends.
Yet, I'm bored.
Earlier this evening I did some painting (in terms of art on a canvas, not with rollers on a wall) and that was enjoyable. I got frustrated and took a step back, so now I'm here; reading Cracked articles and listening to a medley of McFly songs.
I've come up with a post that might not entertain readers so much as it is a time-waster for me. It will fill the time between now and an acceptable time for me to go to bed that doesn't make me feel like my grandmother after a strenuous day of watching squirrels chase each other on the front porch.
Right-O. I have done a Google experiment and a dictionary experiment, so now it's time for my Wikipedia experiment! Yay...
I shall hit the "random article" button a few times and see what I get. Say a few words about them, and move on. Sounds fun? I know, but bear with me.
Steinunn Finnsdottir
A female Icelandic poet. Wow, I had trouble writing that without dozing off. However, she did write about a woman who turned into a man, and another that turned into a dog. Same thing really. HIYO!
DuPont, Washington
A tiny city in Pierce County, Washington. I'm sorry, but I read that entire article and that just looks like, quite possible, the dullest place ever. I know that's not true, it's one of them "small town America" cities that America seems to be so darn proud of. There sure are enough of them down there. The most interesting thing I read was that it used to be a Hudson's Bay Company fort and at one point, they moved the entire fort upstream. Now I'm picturing Fort Calgary on one of those giant house-moving vehicles that go 2 km per hour.
Judy Tyler
She was Playboy magazine's Playmate of the Month for January of 1966. I tried to find a picture of her for this site, thinking it would be a funny throwback to the Playboy of the '60's, but I just ended up erasing my Google history and wishing I'd thought that out a bit more before searching. *shudder*
Cognac Public Garden
Imagine my disappointment that this is just an English-styled garden in France with a museum and a hotel. I was picturing fountains with cognac spewing from them for the public to stand under like giant water fountains.
Diana "Mousie" Lewis
She was a film actress and MGM contract star in the late '30's-early '40's. She is best known for being William Powell's wife. I just hope she didn't give herself that nickname. How unfortunate.
Elipsocidae
I quote from the article:
"Elipsocidae is a family of Psocoptera belonging to the suborder Homilopsocidea. Member of the family have a free areola postica. Many species are apterous."
It makes my brain sting.
Minor Tactics of the Chalk Stream
A book about fly-fishing. Written by G.E.M. Skues, this book marks his long campaign to restore the wet fly to its rightful place on the chalk streams of England. Apparently this book "put an end to the dry-fly purist and brought the angling world back to sanity." Wow, who knew wet fly fishing was such an impassioned subject? I guess I just never expected the crafty bait and slaughter of aquatic vertebrates to attract such controversy...
List of Clifford the Big Red Dog episodes
I desperately want to meet the person who took the time to write out this list. I'm picturing an old Croatian man with a comb-over and green argyle sweater typing out this list for his wife, who doesn't know how to use a computer but still wants the world to know about Clifford, the big red dog that taught her how to speak English and how to be a friend.
Cervical spinal nerve 4
This spinal nerve controls the thoracic diaphragm and inspired a medical mnemonic: "Cut C4, breathe no more." Jesus Christ. With teachings like these, medical schools are breeding grounds for new Jack The Rippers or Jack Kevorkians.
OK, that's enough. I just killed... an hour and a half. Wow, I can almost hear the woosh of my life passing me by. Oh well, I'm off to watch House, then Blackadder.
I love the title of that fly-fishing book so much that it will be the title of this blog post, even if it makes no logical sense.
Bye.
I really shouldn't be. I'm in school, I have a part-time job. I have friends.
Yet, I'm bored.
Earlier this evening I did some painting (in terms of art on a canvas, not with rollers on a wall) and that was enjoyable. I got frustrated and took a step back, so now I'm here; reading Cracked articles and listening to a medley of McFly songs.
I've come up with a post that might not entertain readers so much as it is a time-waster for me. It will fill the time between now and an acceptable time for me to go to bed that doesn't make me feel like my grandmother after a strenuous day of watching squirrels chase each other on the front porch.
Right-O. I have done a Google experiment and a dictionary experiment, so now it's time for my Wikipedia experiment! Yay...
I shall hit the "random article" button a few times and see what I get. Say a few words about them, and move on. Sounds fun? I know, but bear with me.
Steinunn Finnsdottir
A female Icelandic poet. Wow, I had trouble writing that without dozing off. However, she did write about a woman who turned into a man, and another that turned into a dog. Same thing really. HIYO!
DuPont, Washington
A tiny city in Pierce County, Washington. I'm sorry, but I read that entire article and that just looks like, quite possible, the dullest place ever. I know that's not true, it's one of them "small town America" cities that America seems to be so darn proud of. There sure are enough of them down there. The most interesting thing I read was that it used to be a Hudson's Bay Company fort and at one point, they moved the entire fort upstream. Now I'm picturing Fort Calgary on one of those giant house-moving vehicles that go 2 km per hour.
Judy Tyler
She was Playboy magazine's Playmate of the Month for January of 1966. I tried to find a picture of her for this site, thinking it would be a funny throwback to the Playboy of the '60's, but I just ended up erasing my Google history and wishing I'd thought that out a bit more before searching. *shudder*
Cognac Public Garden
Imagine my disappointment that this is just an English-styled garden in France with a museum and a hotel. I was picturing fountains with cognac spewing from them for the public to stand under like giant water fountains.
Diana "Mousie" Lewis
She was a film actress and MGM contract star in the late '30's-early '40's. She is best known for being William Powell's wife. I just hope she didn't give herself that nickname. How unfortunate.
Elipsocidae
I quote from the article:
"Elipsocidae is a family of Psocoptera belonging to the suborder Homilopsocidea. Member of the family have a free areola postica. Many species are apterous."
It makes my brain sting.
Minor Tactics of the Chalk Stream
A book about fly-fishing. Written by G.E.M. Skues, this book marks his long campaign to restore the wet fly to its rightful place on the chalk streams of England. Apparently this book "put an end to the dry-fly purist and brought the angling world back to sanity." Wow, who knew wet fly fishing was such an impassioned subject? I guess I just never expected the crafty bait and slaughter of aquatic vertebrates to attract such controversy...
List of Clifford the Big Red Dog episodes
I desperately want to meet the person who took the time to write out this list. I'm picturing an old Croatian man with a comb-over and green argyle sweater typing out this list for his wife, who doesn't know how to use a computer but still wants the world to know about Clifford, the big red dog that taught her how to speak English and how to be a friend.
Cervical spinal nerve 4
This spinal nerve controls the thoracic diaphragm and inspired a medical mnemonic: "Cut C4, breathe no more." Jesus Christ. With teachings like these, medical schools are breeding grounds for new Jack The Rippers or Jack Kevorkians.
OK, that's enough. I just killed... an hour and a half. Wow, I can almost hear the woosh of my life passing me by. Oh well, I'm off to watch House, then Blackadder.
I love the title of that fly-fishing book so much that it will be the title of this blog post, even if it makes no logical sense.
Bye.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Confidence Man
It has happened, ladies and gentlemen. It has finally... happened.
I knew it happened to other people, I've seen it happen on TV, but it has never happened to me.
Until now.
To be honest, it makes me feel special. It makes me feel like someone chose me, and it makes me feel utterly... utterly... special.
I have finally been the target of a money scam. A con. A beautiful attempt at swindling.
Being the keenly intelligent individual that I am saved me from falling victim to said scam, but it was entertaining to be involved in.
I got an e-mail from someone using the address of NoD Magazine, a literary magazine run through the University of Calgary. They have my e-mail address because of communications I had with them previously, and this crafty hacker managed to use it. So, obviously, I opened the e-mail that I thought was from the magazine, but upon reading it I emitted a satisfied chuckle at the fact that I - yes, me - had been sent a con e-mail. Here is the e-mail of which I speak (I have not altered the wording, grammar, or spelling in any way):
Good morning,
How are you doing? Hope all is well with you and family, I know this might be a surprise to you but I am sorry I didn't inform you about my traveling to Scotland for a Seminar . It was so Urgent and I just have to be at the seminar. Please I want to confide in you and I want it private between us because I don’t want my other family members or friends to get worried over this predicament of mine. I was attacked on my way to the hotel I lodged, although I wasn't hurt because I complied immediately but my mobile phone and luggage were stolen. What bothered me most is my Cards but I have called the card company and blocked my cards and I have also been to the embassy to reschedule my flight. Aside these, I need to sort out some vital issues including my bills.
Please I need financial assistance. I would like you to help me with £1,400 pounds or any amount you could afford. I will refund you upon my arrival back home. Let me know if you would be able to help me with the money or any amount you could afford. If you will be able to help me with the money then you can go to the nearest western union outlet or into any nearest bank and use the western union money transfer service to transfer the money to me directly. Below are the details you will need to make the transfer on my name at the Western union office. After the transfer, just email me the money transfer control number [MTCN] on the receipt. I will be able to receive the money here immediately with my passport. Also do let me know how you want me to pay you back so I can make the arrangements to get it to you as soon as I get back home.
Name: Kye Kocher
Address: Worsley Park - Worsley Manchester,
M28 2QT United Kingdom
Looking forward to your positive response.
Kye
Wasn't that simply luminous with enough exquisite, devastating, and delectable gorgeousness as to render the very princess of ravishing beauteousness speechless? Yes, I think so too.
My favourite aspect, I think, is the wording. He writes as if he knows me, or I'm supposed to recognize his name from somewhere (which I don't). Like he cares about my family. Psh. He even nicely asks me to keep his little predicament a secret. Sorry, bro. Looking forward to my positive response? What response is that? One where I don't send him a debilitating computer virus?
I figured Mr. Kocher (what an ironic name) wouldn't mind me sharing his name and address with the "world", seeing as it's surely fake. There's not even a number on his address. I suppose the postman will deliver it to the middle of Worsley Park and he'll just be there. I had an enormous urge to respond to this email, but I realized it would just get sent to the NoD Magazine address and they would be bewildered and perhaps put-off by my tone (one of anger and curiosity, with a hint of amused gratitude).
Now all I can hope for you, darling friends, is that you should one day be as lucky as me. Lucky enough to recieve such a finely crafted specimen of con-artistry, yet smart enough to ignore it completely.
Bon, il faut que je parte.
I knew it happened to other people, I've seen it happen on TV, but it has never happened to me.
Until now.
To be honest, it makes me feel special. It makes me feel like someone chose me, and it makes me feel utterly... utterly... special.
I have finally been the target of a money scam. A con. A beautiful attempt at swindling.
Being the keenly intelligent individual that I am saved me from falling victim to said scam, but it was entertaining to be involved in.
I got an e-mail from someone using the address of NoD Magazine, a literary magazine run through the University of Calgary. They have my e-mail address because of communications I had with them previously, and this crafty hacker managed to use it. So, obviously, I opened the e-mail that I thought was from the magazine, but upon reading it I emitted a satisfied chuckle at the fact that I - yes, me - had been sent a con e-mail. Here is the e-mail of which I speak (I have not altered the wording, grammar, or spelling in any way):
Good morning,
How are you doing? Hope all is well with you and family, I know this might be a surprise to you but I am sorry I didn't inform you about my traveling to Scotland for a Seminar . It was so Urgent and I just have to be at the seminar. Please I want to confide in you and I want it private between us because I don’t want my other family members or friends to get worried over this predicament of mine. I was attacked on my way to the hotel I lodged, although I wasn't hurt because I complied immediately but my mobile phone and luggage were stolen. What bothered me most is my Cards but I have called the card company and blocked my cards and I have also been to the embassy to reschedule my flight. Aside these, I need to sort out some vital issues including my bills.
Please I need financial assistance. I would like you to help me with £1,400 pounds or any amount you could afford. I will refund you upon my arrival back home. Let me know if you would be able to help me with the money or any amount you could afford. If you will be able to help me with the money then you can go to the nearest western union outlet or into any nearest bank and use the western union money transfer service to transfer the money to me directly. Below are the details you will need to make the transfer on my name at the Western union office. After the transfer, just email me the money transfer control number [MTCN] on the receipt. I will be able to receive the money here immediately with my passport. Also do let me know how you want me to pay you back so I can make the arrangements to get it to you as soon as I get back home.
Name: Kye Kocher
Address: Worsley Park - Worsley Manchester,
M28 2QT United Kingdom
Looking forward to your positive response.
Kye
Wasn't that simply luminous with enough exquisite, devastating, and delectable gorgeousness as to render the very princess of ravishing beauteousness speechless? Yes, I think so too.
My favourite aspect, I think, is the wording. He writes as if he knows me, or I'm supposed to recognize his name from somewhere (which I don't). Like he cares about my family. Psh. He even nicely asks me to keep his little predicament a secret. Sorry, bro. Looking forward to my positive response? What response is that? One where I don't send him a debilitating computer virus?
I figured Mr. Kocher (what an ironic name) wouldn't mind me sharing his name and address with the "world", seeing as it's surely fake. There's not even a number on his address. I suppose the postman will deliver it to the middle of Worsley Park and he'll just be there. I had an enormous urge to respond to this email, but I realized it would just get sent to the NoD Magazine address and they would be bewildered and perhaps put-off by my tone (one of anger and curiosity, with a hint of amused gratitude).
Now all I can hope for you, darling friends, is that you should one day be as lucky as me. Lucky enough to recieve such a finely crafted specimen of con-artistry, yet smart enough to ignore it completely.
Bon, il faut que je parte.
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