So please take note. You can learn a little something about the art that is pub-naming and perhaps your future ventures into the business of owning "socializing" venues just might pay off in the long run. I mean, how can it not? It involves eight different types of Guinness!
The Last Name: Probably the most common of all Irish pub names is the traditional last name. Of course, if you choose to go this route, make sure you Irish it up. Now turning the word "Irish" into a verb is normally something I avoid, however, in this case, I make an exception due to the importance of having an authentically Irish name. Traditionally, just adding an "O" to the beginning of a name would suffice but these are tough economical times. You can't afford to take the risk that your name will not be quite Irish enough to please the typical drunken red-headed bloke with the mutton-chops. He could bring in a lot of business. I suggest taking an already grotesquely Irish name and then adding an "O". Then, for good measure you need a really good adjective to describe this fictional Irish namesake. Your pub needs a name that will make people walk with a significant limp in their right leg just by reading it. It needs to be an adjective of anger, insanity, or just downright grumpiness. Stay away from "Old" or "Mad". Old Murphy's or Mad O'Brien's or (heaven forbid) Mad Old O'Sullivan's are examples of pub names that make people picture green beer and waitresses dressed like this:
Cliche is not what we're going for here. Understood? Also, something like Bashful Maguire's is not acceptable. You don't want people to think you will gladly host family St. Patrick's Day parties with shamrock cupcakes and leprechaun balloons. My official recommendation would be something along the lines of Shifty O'Shea's, Loathsome O'Leary's, or Cantankerous O'Callaghan's. Alliteration is not necessarily required, it's just charming.
The Described Noun: This method is also quite common and one where people tend to get the most creative. You basically just take any noun - and by any noun I mean absolutely ANY noun - and add either an adjective or a verb in front of it. Choosing a verb tends to make things a bit more fun. Some examples are The Idle Cook (in Yorkshire), The Bleeding Wolf (in Cheshire), or The Quiet Woman (in York). These are all quite creative, but the point is to find something strangely unique that you respond to personally that will intrigue people enough to step into your home away from home. There are very few boundaries for this method as there are so many different combinations. Many pubs have favoured using animals as their noun. Lord knows why. I think The Murdered Squirrel or The Diseased Prawn just don't sound like places I want to eat chicken fingers in. If you must pick an animal, I suggest going the jolly route (traditionally avoided by the edgier pub-namers) and choosing something like The Giggling Hampster or The Slap-Happy Tortoise. As far as adjectives/verbs go, the only one I strongly suggest you avoid is "drunken". Far too obvious. People don't need to be told that a pub is a place where living things can get intoxicated. I think they would rather go somewhere with a name that can be misconstrued as an edgy used-book store. Then they can tell their wives where they are and not have to lie. For example, The Happy Medium (in West Sussex) or The Blooming Fuchsia (in Suffolk) sounds more kosher than telling your wife you're in The Drunken Duck (in Cumbria), even though it may slice your manhood in half. Ahh, The Hairy Lemon.
I recommend just finding a favourite old-timey item and giving it a completely obscure verb. I like The Drooling Doorknob, The Fleeing Monocle, or The Wandering Typewriter. I say "old-timey" item because the last thing we need is a pub called The Itching X-Box.
The Blank and Blank: This is my personal favourite. All of the examples I've ever seen of this method seem like the pub owner flipped through a dictionary and chose the first two nouns they came across and said "Yup, looks good to me". So much so that you have pubs called The Cow and Snuffers (in Cardiff) and The Goat and Tricycle (in Bournemouth). I have noticed in my research (and yes, I did some) that it is often a pairing of an animal and then a random noun. Even so, there are so many possibilities, the mind begins to wander. One boundary I can think of is to keep it PG-13. Children still walk the streets. So I guess The Crab and Syphilus is out. I would also stay away from using "dog" or "cow", overused to the extreme. One more thing to avoid: pairing things that may end up sounding like a dish that might be served inside the pub itself. So that rules out names like The Chicken and Toast or The Tuna and Wasabi. In following those rules, I recommend names like The Swordfish and Bookshelf, The Chickadee and Treebark, or The Otter and Dollhouse.
That brings us to the end of this little "guide to". Now go forth, name your pub and remember to send me a free-"socializations"-for-life membership card. To be honest, it's the least you owe me.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION:
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
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