Bring It On, Google. Bring. It. On.

It's been a bit since my last post, but since I flooded you last month, I took a break. Mostly to write screenplays, do schoolwork, generally avoid all social interaction aside from classmates and immediate family, and misplace my USB drive.

Speaking of which...

LOST

Jackie's USB Flash Drive












If any of you see this valuable possession, please message me. It contains some important and classified* files that I need immediately.

Defining Characteristics:
- on a keyring with some candle charms and a little magnetic key device
- 16GB Staples brand
- probably sporting an expression of sadness and bewilderment due to the fact that it is now homeless (or perhaps in the hands of a thieving stranger, in which case you should use assault-level force in order to retrieve it.

Reward: I'm broke, so all I can offer you is my endless and unconditional friendship. However, if you are a dude, I am not above making out with you for a bit. The USB is THAT important.


Anyways, on with the subject of today. I am venturing into a little investigation into Google's suggestion mechanism. When you type in a letter or a word, it will show you suggestions that also start with that letter or word. I haven't figured out what fuels these suggestions. It can't be the most popular or the most recent, so I'm not sure. If you know, please let me in on the secret. You may remember that I did one experiment in a previous post "Why Can't I Own A Canadian?", but I figured it needed further exploration. If you type 'why' into Google, it still comes up with that result. At least when I do it...

OK, here goes:

















Forget about Osama Bin Laden. Forget Carmen San Diego (even though she is the shiz). I wanna know where Matt is! Somebody tell me where Matt is! Good Lord, maybe Google knows...


















I bet he's sitting in front of his iMac, Googling himself; right before the internet crashes under his heavy stare.


















What I love best about this one, is just how close the two searches "world of warcraft" and "world health club" are to each other. To me, those two seem like opposite goals.


















I often use Google to find out what time it is. In this day and age, chances are there is someone else in my time zone, at this exact moment, using Yahoo Answers to ask yet another person in my time zone, at this exact moment, what time it is. Right now.

















Losing an iPhone, frustrating. Losing an Alberta Health Card, a big hassle. Losing your voice, unpleasant. Losing a baby? I think in some circles, that's called a misdemeanor. If you don't look for your baby after you lose it? My cop friends call that a felony. Don't worry, I don't think the cops will go the felony route. You did look for it, after all. Using Google.

OK, that's enough for now. I win Google patrons. I win.

Ogle.

* They aren't actually classified files. I just figure that people will look harder for it if they think they can look on my drive and find documents about how Megan Fox is actually a cyborg run by the CIA to infiltrate the Hollywood studio system.

Dictionary Experiment

Wow, I'm on a roll. Three posts in four days. I think this should make up for my serious neglect earlier this year. Yes, I think it does.

So, I was in bed last night in that Twilight Zone type state right in between wake and sleep and I got an idea. It was probably because I had just finished reading a chapter of Stephen King's genius book On Writing. Anyway, he wrote quite proficiently and passionately about vocabulary and gave a very elloquent and convincing argument against the use of gratuitous large words (which that sentence is a strangely coincidental example of...). Basically he said your reader shouldn't need to have a dictionary handy in order to read your book. So I've decided to conduct an experiment that takes his advice a little too far. This way, no one will ever need a dictionary because the definitions are in the story. Here's a little story of mine, replacing the words with their definitions.

As I succeeded in arriving on the large motor vehicle (having a long body, equipped with seats or benches for passengers, usually operating as part of a scheduled service) on this present day, there was an amusingly small female who was far advanced in the years of her life, resting with the body supported by the buttocks or thighs on one of the adjacently oriented places that are designed to support a person in a sitting position. She was not large as compared with others of the same kind and rounded in form. She seemed to the eye as slightly curious because the only facial cosmetics she possessed the characteristics of on the front part of her head (from the forehead to the chin) was a shade or comparative darkness, in a colour between white or black, around the organs of sight. To be genuine or unadulterated, I have an opinion that you ought not to have on the person habitually, a shade or comparative darkness (in a colour between white and black) around the organs of sight, if you have keratinous filaments growing from the skin also in a colour between white and black. It doesn't operate effectively. She also maintained the action of casting brief looks at me. I, in all likelihood, seemed to the eye not alike in character or quality because I had a shade or comparative darkness, in a dark tertiary colour with a yellowish or reddish hue, around the organs of sight. Upon the time that she stood into an erect position in order to depart and move away from the the large motor vehicle (having a long body, equipped with seats or benches for passengers, usually operating as part of a scheduled service), I kept from the knowledge of anyone that I felt a need or desire for her to suddenly impede or catch her foot so as to throw her down. That may convey the certain impression when read to be ill-willed or malicious, but she was robustly built and she wouldn't have damaged or decreased the efficiency of herself upon the action. I merely felt a need or desire to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement. I haven't assumed a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement on a large motor vehicle (having a long body, equipped with seats or benches for passengers, usually operating as part of a scheduled service) in a beyond normal or moderate period or interval of duration. Markedly since the previous most recent occasion that I had occupied a place on a large motor vehicle (having a long body, equipped with seats or benches for passengers, usually operating as part of a scheduled service) I became afflicted with a very unpleasant slice-like wound on the end of the bone in the bend or joint of my arm between the upper arm and forearm.

I think that was supposed to make a lot more sense when I thought of it last night. I got a kick out of it. I have also generated some level of respect for the people who "write" dictionaries. Not a lot, but a bit.

Blurb.

Stick It On Shuffle

My iPod that is.
That's right. It's ANOTHER music themed post.
Don't worry, I'll mix it up later with a marathon of movie themed posts, or posts that each include seven instances of the phrase "in flagrante".

Every time I get new music, I listen to it on a loop for a few weeks. Once I get tired of it, I usually go searching for more new music. However, sometimes when I don't have time to get new music, I just put my whole iPod on shuffle and listen to all of the old music that I have. As I was doing this the other day, I realized that there are certain songs that I NEVER skip over in the shuffle. Most of them I do, but there are certain ones that I always stop to listen to. I will list them here, while experimenting with html audio embedding code (oh yeah, I'm that good).

The thing I found most interesting is that the songs that I always stop to listen to aren't even my favourite songs. Sure, I obviously enjoy them, but this list would not be equivalent to a top (insert relevant number) favourite songs list (if I ever make one). They are just songs that I find catchy or fun that I like listening to on city transit as I go to school.

OK, here we go.

1. Homecoming - Kanye West Feat. Chris Martin



OK, so I'm not a Kanye West fan, but I am a Chris Martin fan and the piano in this song is sublime.

2. Set The Fire To The Third Bar - Snow Patrol Feat. Martha Wainwright



One of the best musical collaborations I've ever heard.

3. American Baby - Dave Matthews Band



It's strange that this song is the one Dave Matthews Band song that I never skip as it's not even close to my favourite DMB song. I think it's the violin plucking that does it.

4. Sea Lion Woman - Feist



Also not really a favourite song of mine. It's just got something about it that I never get tired of.

5. Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons



Mumford & Sons is the pride of my personal favourite musical discoveries as they are brilliant, and this song is awesome. I also love the use of swears in songs when it's not gratuitous (take THAT entire rap community!).

6. The Hardest Part - Coldplay



Again, not even close to my favourite Coldplay song, but it's the one that keeps coming back. Actually this one almost ties with Violet Hill and Postcards From Far Away as Coldplay songs that I don't skip over, but Hardest Part just edged those two out.

7. Crystal Ball - Keane



It's pretty catchy and I always remember the music video, which I love.

8. Holiday - Green Day



I think I'm a closet rocker. This song comes on and I just wanna pump my fist, wear chainlink belts, and think about ways to piss off my parents.

9. Ruby Blue - Roisin Murphy



Bit of an obscure choice, but it's a twisted and fun little b**ch of a song. Sweet.

10. Things Have Changed - Bob Dylan



This song is the exception to the rule, as it is probably one of my all-time favourite songs. I almost put favourite song, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, even though it's probably the truth.

All done.

Album Art

Waddya know? Another music-themed post.
Deal with it.

Here are a few of the album covers that I really love. I won't comment on them, you should just understand why I like them. Seriously.
Note #1: These are only ones that I have on hand at the moment (meaning I happen to have them handy on my iPod or something), so it's hardly a complete list.
Note #2: So this list may or may not be a Volume I type thing.
Note #3: You'll probably sense a pattern of some sort, and will be able to judge what type of album art I find enjoyable. If you care.
Note #4: They aren't in any order.

1. Funeral - Arcade Fire





















2. Audioslave - Audioslave





















3. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles






















4. Forgiveness Rock Record - Broken Social Scene




















5. O - Damien Rice




















6. Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King - Dave Matthews Band





















7. Veckatimest - Grizzly Bear




















8. Myths of the Near Future - Klaxons





















9. Sigh No More - Mumford & Sons





















10. Eyes Open - Snow Patrol





















There. 10 seems like a nice round number.

Ten.

My E-Mail To Marble Slab

So about a week ago, I was incredibly bored. When I'm incredibly bored, I tend to do things that most people would find embarassing or just plain silly. I sent an e-mail to the good people over at Marble Slab (you know, the ice cream company). I waited about a week or so for a reply and never got one. I'm not really surprised as it just screams "I'm bored and I feel like bugging people". I used an alias name and e-mail address that I will probably continue to use to entertain myself in the future. Here's that e-mail. If I ever get a reply, I will edit this post to include it, but my hopes are rather low at this point.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would just like to express my gratitude to your company for providing such an essential, and not to mention delicious, service to my community with your finely crafted (and often finely sculpted) gourmet ice cream; and to mention how it has personally touched my life.
Not last weekend, I found myself walking aimlessly through my neighbourhood outdoor shopping metropolis after seeing a particularly unsettling 10pm showing of "MacGruber". All I could think about was how much I missed the days when my great uncle's hands could work well enough to create the incredible devices that MacGruber is so skillfully able to, and I got sad. While thinking about my great uncle, I remembered how much he liked ice cream with his birthday cake, but every time his birthday rolled around he could never afford to get both ice cream and birthday cake so he had to painfully choose between them. For the last three and a half years, we've celebrated his birthday twice a year because his dementia is setting in and he often forgets that we already celebrated his birthday.
Anyways, on this night, I wanted to cheer myself up by going to a particular franchise of Marble Slab and treat myself to an ice cream cone. Shockingly, before last weekend, I had never been to a Marble Slab establishment before and I was ecstaticly surprised by the immense variety and uniqueness of the options that were presented to me. Frankly, it took me nearly twenty-eight minutes of staring at all of my choices before the small-eyed girl behind the counter told me that I was holding up the line and that I should probably choose something soon. It was then that I noticed the Birthday Cake Ice Cream. I nearly cried.
I would like to thank you for creating such an innovative and ingenious ice cream flavour. I can't believe nobody has thought of combining ice cream and cake before. On my great uncle's next birthday (four weeks from Saturday) he will be getting a mounding dark chocolate waffle cone full of birthday cake ice cream with Skor bits and frozen raspberries mixed in. I have no doubt that he will be overjoyed, perhaps even enough to reverse his bone-loss and allow him to use his hands to finish his life-size model of the Blue Nose.
The reason I am writing is to make a polite creative suggestion. I think you should add another Tasty Creation to the board entitled "The Ultimate Uncle Angus" which would consist of the recipe I have mentioned above, obviously in honour of my dear Uncle Angus. You may feel free to credit me on the board as the inventor.
Please let me know if you want to incorporate this new treat as I need to know when I can inform my family, friends, and work colleagues of this development.

Sincerest Regards,
My Alias Name

Let's Examine Popular Club Music, Shall We?

Recently, I've been listening to a bunch of club-type songs of late. I don't know why exactly, I guess I just enjoy the "thumpa-thumpa". I noticed a few common themes within these songs. Most of them quite predictable, but unsettling nonetheless. I would like to explore some of these songs and give my take on each of them.

One common observation: Apparently, club song writers are not fans of monogamy, or really any form of long term relationship.

Song: "I Like It" by Enrique Iglesias Feat. Pitbull

Lyric Sample:
Girl please excuse me if I'm coming too strong,
But tonight is a night we can really let go.
My girlfriend's out of town and I'm all alone.
Your boyfriend's on vacation and he doesn't have to know.
No oh oh. Oh oh.
No one can do the things I'm gonna wanna do to you.
No oh oh. Oh oh.
Shout it out. Scream it out. Let me hear you go...

Ahh, nothing says club song like condoning infidelity. Frankly, I don't even think they allow songs to be played in clubs unless they mention anonymous heterosexual sex with random strangers after groping them on the dance floor.

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
Don't stop baby. Don't stop baby.
Just keep on shaking along.
I won't stop baby. Won't stop baby.
Until you get enough.

If anything can make Enrique sound like a warbled Michael Jackson, it's the auto-tuner.

Favourite Lyrics:
It's a different species. Get me in DC.
Let's party on the White House lawn.
Tiger Woods tired of Jesse James.
Here goes Pitbull all night long.
Pick up Barack and Michelle, let 'em know that it's on.

What do Tiger Woods and Jesse James have to do with a party on the White House lawn? I spy name-dropping.

Video:


A seemingly all-girls dance club: check. Gratuitous lingerie pillow fight: check. Enrique sticking his finger down some chick's cleavage: check. Looks like a club song video to me!

Song: "If I Had You" by Adam Lambert

Lyric Sample:
Girls in stripper heels, boys rollin' in Maseratis,
what they need in this world is some love.
There's a thin line 'tween a wild time and a flat line, baby tonight.
It's a struggle. Gotta rumble tryin' to find it.

So it's not about promiscuity, but he's basically saying (while alluding to sexual orientation ambiguity) that he wants to party as hard as be possibly can without ending up in the city morgue (or the next Lindsay Lohan). Good luck with that Adam. I prefer being home by 8pm and doing crossword puzzles in my pajamas.

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
Yeah, if I had you,
Y-y-y-y-y-you,
Y-y-y-y-y-you,
Y-y-y-y-y-you.

Profound, yes? I actually don't mind this part as it pretty much makes the song.

Favourite Lyrics:
So I got my boots on, got the right 'mount of leather,
and I'm doing me up with a black color liner,
and I'm workin' my strut but I know it don't matter.
All we need in this world is some love.

I love this part because he takes his sassy time describing his leather and his man-liner and his killer walk but he attempts to negate this shallowness with the last line. That's pretty much the whole song.

Video:



Beware epileptics and drama-queen-phobes. I actually quite like this music video, but the blatant Sony product placement at the beginning kinda ruins it.

Song: "DJ Got Us Fallin In Love Again" Usher Feat. Pitbull

Lyric Sample:
Hands up, and suddenly we all got our hands up.
No control of my body.
Ain't I seen you before?
I think I remember those eyes.

Not only does he have no control over his female groping ways, he doesn't remember whether or not he has previously groped this particular female. Trust me, he doesn't recognize her by her eyes, I don't care what this song says.

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
Gonna set the roof on fire,
gonna burn this motherf***er down down down,
down d-down down.

That's fairly violent. He's also not very creative. Wow, covering an explicit curseword by warping the auto-tune! What next? Saying his own name out loud at the beginning of every song? Oh wait... he already does that.

Favourite Lyrics:
In the cover of the music, get naked baby,
I'm sorry chica, better holla at Tyronne.
Let him know how I jump through your froot loop,
scolla chica two-can.

Who is this "Pitbull" rapper person, and why is he getting in all these songs? I don't even think he's speaking a real language. I hope Kellogg's paid handsomely for this name-drop. It's not often that breakfast cereals get club song mentions.

Video:



The video version has different lyrics for Pitbull. No clue why. He does look like quite the douche though. I do wish that people could dance in slo-mo reverse in real life. How cool would that be?

Song: "Rude Boy" by Rihanna

Lyric Sample:
Come here rude boy, boy, can you get it up?
Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?
Take it, take it, baby, baby.
Take it, take it, love me, love me.

That's right folks; and you thought gross sexual insensitivity in songs was only ever directed towards women. Rihanna has broken the mold by describing what she wants in a man (obviously just for one thing) followed swiftly by her demand that he love her. Well played, sweetheart...

Favourite Auto-Tune Moment:
What I wa-wa-want is what you wa-wa-want.
Na-na.

If that part ISN'T actually auto-tuned, then her voice just hit it's nasally peak.

Favourite Lyrics:
Tonight, I'mma let you be a rider.
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up babe.

Wow, comparing sex to riding a horse. Club song writers must just pull these ideas from a list of about 20 genre standards to get THIS level of creativity.

Video:



I had to try very, very hard to watch this video all the way through. For two reasons: involuntary eye-popping (from my brain exploding due to the excessive and highly saturated use of colour) and voluntary eye-popping (wanting to claw out my eyes from having to sit through nearly four minutes of Rihanna shaking her "junk").

OK, that's it for now. Just remember for the future: there is no such thing as a new or original club song. I refer to the genre as recycled music intent on degrading human beings to the most shallow of species.

Pop.

Things That (I'm Sure) Famous People Have Thought At Some Point Or Another

I'm not talking about any particular famous person. These are just thoughts that I imagine somebody famous has had run through their mind at some point or another.

1. I want Daniel Day-Lewis' agent... and his talent... and his accent.

2. I can't believe that person just walked up to me and grabbed my ass. I probably shouldn't have kneed him in the nads. Good thing I paid off those Saks Fifth Avenue employees so they won't sell the story to US Weekly.

3. Is that my face on that backpack? That's disconcerting.

4. If I pretend to talk into my cell phone and say my own name really loudly several times, people will probably realize who I am and let me go to the front of the Yogen Früz line.

5. I'm pretty sure that pigeon recognizes me.

6. Wearing dark sunglasses will conceal my identity enough to allow me to go into Wal-Mart unnoticed. I certainly don't want people thinking that I shop at Wal-Mart.

7. I don't feel like wearing underwear today. I'm only going out for a quick drink.

8. How much does it cost to go into space? I hope the International Space Station has cable. I don't want to miss the season finale of America's Got Talent.

9. This interviewer is kind of hot. Maybe if I get teary-eyed about my last break-up and "confide" in her after the camera's are off, she'll "confide" in me later.

10. I really should have tipped that bellboy. I think he told the maid to steal my Golden Globe.

11. I hate it when I have to do an interview for Entertainment Weekly and they run the story on the cover. I love reading Entertainment Weekly in public and I don't want people to think I'm reading about myself.

12. Is that Scorsese getting Starbucks? I wonder... If I pay for his double tall mocha latte, would he give me a part in his next picture as Leo DiCaprio's love interest or decoy love interest?

13. It sure is a long drive to the studio from my mansion. I don't really mind it though, as it allows approximately 40 people every trip to see me driving my convertible in Los Angeles and then tweet "I just saw _________ driving her convertible in Los Angeles and I waved and she waved back!" to all of their followers.

14. I would give Lindsay Lohan my Oscar if I could guest star on Glee.

15. If I sing the anthem at the next Yankees game, will I get season tickets which I can then use to bribe Scorsese for a part in his next Leo DiCaprio picture?

16. Where the hell did this Justin Beiber kid come from and why is he stealing my fans?

17. I think my make-up artist is trying to kill me.

That's it.